John’s Ramblings

A cycling acquaintance of mine has managed to trim his bod from XL to < XL. In the course of making this progress in his personal fitness, he found himself in possession of two pairs of bike shorts that no longer fit him. The question then arose: what the hell to do with these shorts that no longer fit? Options include:

• Throw them away. Can’t do this, as the shorts list for over $150 new, and they are perfectly good (can you say “low-mileage used”?)
• Give them to charity. Seems reasonable, except when you consider the odds of someone finding bike shorts at the Goodwill, and understanding what the hell they are: exactly zero.
• Keep them as insurance in case you get fat again. No can do, too pessimistic.
• Find someone else that can use them who is roughly the same size as you were when you bought them. Bingo.

Knowing that I was still somewhat larger of frame than he, this fellow contacts your’s truly. Chain of emails ensues, and shorts are delivered to my chubby little hands. Free stuff is good, right?

Once you have hand-me-down shorts in your hands, however, your thought processes shift gears. Gone is the immediate gratification of having saved a pile of dough, replaced with your contemplation of someone else’s chamois.

For the un-initiated, the chamois is the absorbent padding sewn into the seat and crotch of bicycle shorts which serves to minimize chafing and irritation from sitting on a bicycle saddle. The shorts are skin-tight, their sole purpose to hold said chamois as tight to your ass as possible. No movement = no chafing. The anti-chafing effect of the chamois is usually enhanced by liberal application of a gooey lotion to the chamois, which serves to glue the shorts to your, um, parts. Not unlike seeing your life flash before your eyes, you suddenly see, with great clarity, someone else’s ass glued to this thing you are holding in your hand. If you’ve worn bike shorts for a few hours, you understand the absolute intimacy of the contact between shorts and rider. The only thing closer would be butt-floss, and you wouldn’t take a hand-me-down thong from someone, would you?

Now, before I offend my generous benefactor, let me say that these shorts are absolutely pristine. They are as un-sullied as the day they were purchased. “As good as new”, in every sense of the expression. The issue here is purely mental on my part.

I was thinking that it is too bad that I don’t drink, then ride. A few shots of tequila would certainly lessen my inhibitions to glue my butt to the device that someone else had previously glued to their butt. Sort of like being able to eat the worm at the bottom of that tequila bottle… if you’ve had enough shots. Then the whole “worm” analogy raises another issue: There are two sides to this chamois, and one wasn’t in contact with derrière.

I’ve overcome a few fears and misgivings before in my life, and I’m a better person for it. I will wear these bike shorts.

Right after I wash them.

Thanks for the shorts. I mean that.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.