11/15/2005 06:45:00 AM|||John Calnan|||

My summer of midlife crisis and accomplishment for having turned 50 officially came to a close In mid-October with a colonoscopy. It was a very colorful way to wrap things up, don't you think?

Several years ago, my father had the same procedure, and ended up having several polyps removed and biopsied to determine that they were non-cancerous. With that family history, I sought to get "scoped" myself, but was told by the HMO gods to wait until I turned 50.

So with outdoor riding season pretty much over, I set the date for the procedure for mid-October. Without going into too much detail, I thought I'd "share" my experience so that someone else may be less fearful of having this procedure done. I've met more than one person who was absolutely terrified of having his prostate checked, as it involved having the doctor insert a finger in their rectum. Given the fact that prostate problems are more a matter of "when" than "if", it boggles my mind that a rational human being would refuse the checkup out of some kind of homophobia. It follows that if some men are afraid of a finger, there may be a few that would balk at being sedated, and having a tv camera inserted.

The procedure starts the day before, with something affectionately known as "the prep". The goal is to have a clear field of view for the camera at 8AM on Wednesday morning. In order to have a clear field of view, the digestive tract must be squeaky-clean. To accomplish this level of cleanliness requires:

A clear liquid diet. Starting when I went to bed on Monday night, I was to consume nothing but clear liquids up until two hours before the procedure on Wednesday. This was way easier than I thought it would be (I LOVE food). I drank water, tea, coffee, clear chicken broth (don't buy Kroger brand, it smells like roadkill!), Gatorade, and ate sugar free Jello. Pretty much anything you can read through is cool, as long as it isn't red in color.

Unpronouncable pharmaceutical #1. At around 2PM on Tuesday, I took one prescribed pill. As I understand it, this pill serves to prop open the door leaving your stomach, so that everything that follows travels from point A to point B faster than a fat cyclist on a 15% downhill.

Unpronouncable pharmaceutical #2. An hour after taking Unpronouncable pharmaceutical #1, you chew and swallow a Gas-X tablet. Not being interested in being musical as well as miserable, I did as I was told.

Unpronouncable pharmaceutical #3-The evil liquid. Folks that I talked to that have done this, and even the pharmacist, rolled their eyes and shuddered when speaking of this liquid. I didn't find the drinking of it all that bad, actually. It's basically salty-tasting water. You have to drink a gallon of the stuff, though, and in fairly quick order. I consumed mine over the course of 2 hours.

Time for the Johnny-pot. The net effect of Unpronouncable pharmaceuticals 1 and 2 is to make you spend a few hours running to the bathroom in order to rid yourself of Unpronouncable pharmaceutical #3 which is running through you faster than a bad batch of chow mein from Foo So Wong's. To make this time easier, take plenty of reading material, an iPod, a can of Glade, and a small tin of Bag Balm. Your output is going to be highly acidic, and it will burn your little porthole, adding injury to insult.

That was absolutely the worst part. I slept well, and the procedure itself was anti-climactic. I didn't see the device (due to being hopped up on an IV of what I understand is the date-rape drug), but apparently it looks something like this.

They found a small polyp, and removed it. The subsequent biopsy has come back benign, so I'm supposed to be good for 10 years now until I have to do the bag balm again.

|||113033741621844455|||50,000 Mile Checkup11/19/2005 08:18:27 AM|||Jim Carson|||What a way to "end" the season. (badum bump).

Thanks for posting this. (My friend Fran also related her experience, although less side-splittingly funny.)